Self Help Group

Facilitator: "Welcome everyone to tonight's sob fest. Tonight's discussion we'll be talking about dieting."

Garfield: "Who the hell are you? Where is the other guy?"

Facilitator: "He quit. Apparently you are all too whiny."

Garfield: "So we are supposed to listen to a gigantic cup of iced tea?"
Facilitator: "My name is Mater Shake, but in light of tonight's subject, you may all call me Diet Shake."

Garfield: "Um, yeah, I have a problem with that."
Facilitator: "Who would like to speak first? Eeyore, is that your foot or something I see?"
Eeyore: "Hi everyone. I'm Eeyore. I guess I have been doing okay. Been eating an all vegetable diet from Rabbit's garden." Eeyore farts loudly.
Linus: "Good grief" Linus wraps his blanket around his face. Garfield belts out laughing.

Garfield: "Pahahahahahaha"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Okay everyone, settle down, especially you Eeyore. You may need to go check that situation out. These chairs are rented and we can't afford any stains or lawsuits." Eeyore looks down and blushes.

Linus: "So Eeyore, any specific recipe or vegetable you recommend for us?" Linus tries to smile through the stench.

Eeyore: "Well, I have been eating some eggplant, but I'm really enjoying pumpkins and the pumpkin pie that Rabbit has made."
Linus: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Not Pumpkins. You do realize what you have done you, you, donkey!"

Eeyore stares over at Linus and shrugs. Garfield belts out laughing again. Another group member rolls into the meeting.

Linus: "You could have been killing the Great Pumpkin Eeyore. The Great Pumpkin! What if he doesn't come! Oh GOOD GRIEF what have you done?"
Garfield: "Hey, I don't mean to cut into the kids meltdown here, but there is some meatball in the chair over there smoking."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Everyone, this is Meatwad. Meatwad, why are you smoking?"

Meatwad: "You told me it made me look bad ass. Where's the coffee? Ain't there coffee at these AA meetings? I need a fix."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Meatwad, today we are discussing diets. Do you have anything to contribute?"

Meatwad: "Well, as a wad of meat, I'd have to say I'm pro-meat."

Garfield: "Hell yeah, all I need to do is to shove that cigarette up his butt and then he'd be a barbecued meatball. Mmmmm."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Garfield, look at the rule board again. Remember, we don't not make fun of anyone, nor do we make threats to eat them unless they come with sauce. Got it?"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "It looks like we have another member. State your name please."
Max: silence.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Yo, hippity hop. You gotta name or something. Say, where'd you get that beverage? We have no beverages here."
Max: silence
Meatwad: "I want coffee too Shake. Hey you, bunny, where did you get that coffee?"
Garfield: "Hey meatball, shut up. I smell vodka. Hey dingledein, where'd you get the sauce. This meeting is shit."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Now, we don't know he's drunk. Bunny? Bunny with the cup? You looking for AA? It ain't here today. Go back to the bunny patch where you belong kiddo"
Garfield: "Who catered this event? I want a lasagna and I know just the candidate to make it all meaty and good."
Meatwad: "Hey pussy. Don't be putting your threats on me. I slice you like a ninja."
Garfield: "Last time someone called me that, I fucking knocked that dog off the counter top. Why don't you just be an appetizer and shut up so I can eat you!"
Linus: "Can we get back on topic. So the Great Pumpkin may be destroyed forever."
Garfield: "Look, suck on your thumb. Snuggle in your blanket and here's a Valium. Now SHUT UP!"
Linus: "That wasn't very nice."
Eeyore has fallen asleep.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Well I see everyone has given today's topic quite a bit of thought. I suppose all you losers are going to a pizza parlor after this. I just hope you realize that that pizza won't love you back. I know, I have tried."
Everyone gets up and Meatwad rolls over to Master Shake. 
Meatwad: "I thought you said there would be chicks here. All I saw was an ass, some fat pussy who wants to eat me, a whiny boy with some blanket  a drunk underage bunny, and you. How'd you get this gig anyway?"
Master Shake: "I beat up the facilitator in the alley behind the building. Thought there might be free snacks or something. Had I realized it was about dieting, I just would have gone home and ordered some delivery on Frylock's credit card."