The Daily Show

So my dog Ellie decided to escape yesterday out of the yard. She mosied down the hill and eventually crossed the road which she knows is a no no. My mom started to follow her and I went to get bologna to coax her towards us. It didn't work, so I threw the bologna on the ground for some grateful animal to find. Today she tried to do it again, so we had to put the gate up on the deck and Ellie requested a file in a piece of cake. I kept yelling out Shawshank at her, "Shawshank, Shawshank, hahahhahahahahahhahah." She did not look amused.

Also in new news, I have been having gastrointestinal issues. First I had my butt scoped (colonoscopy) then I had an upper gi done, all on top of a sonogram and all they found was some mild irritation. Meanwhile I have farting up a storm and vomiting, yuck. So the point of my story is that I got to go to Oriental Express for General Tso's chicken and my favorite person was there -- a little Chinese boy I lovingly referred to as Little Bob. He sings Happy Birthday in Chinese and runs around the restaurant and is just generally annoying. One day he will probably end up on the menu. Little Bob Fung Woo. Yum yum.

Ambien and Oreos: Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Hyde

So my mom takes Ambien to get some shut eye. She is addicted to oreos. Well as some of you may already know Ambien can cause sleepwalking or the munchies. Every night around 10 PM my mom stumbles out of bed, stomps toward the kitchen in a haze and begins to snack on oreos. It's like clockwork. Mmmmm oreos. She'll just stand there pigging out on them and when you talk to her the next morning the only evidence that proves it is the crumbs, no memory whatsoever. Fascinating.

  before ambien                                                                                            after ambien

 

Top Ten Reasons Why Summer Catch should be your favorite movie.

 

1. Freddie Prinze Jr. is the best actor in the world

2. baseballs

3. Matthew Lillard yet again plays the screwy sidekick

4. It is shorter than Cloud Atlas and has a plot

5. An idiot could understand its plot

6. Jessica Biel swimsuit modeling sequence for the men

7. Plenty of eye candy for the women in nut hugging baseball uniforms

8. Crabsuit mascot

9. It's a summer movie not to be missed

10. Freddie Prinze Jr. movies always have a moral



So I'm taking human sexuality for my masters and my mom asked me if there was a research practicum. I said I'd be doing my own statistics.

John Tesh Vs. Delilah

Okay,
so here is the deal. I can't stand either one of these talk show hosts. John Tesh with his words of wisdom, his "intelligence for your life" mentality. Dear God what next. But then there is Delilah. What a fucktard she is. Somebody calls in all teary eyed and crying and is like Delilah, my left arm is broken, I can't masturbate, will you please play "When You Love Somebody" to help me ease the pain. I mean Ryan Seacrest ain't exactly my cup of tea either, but at least he plays some music hits. Oh what am I saying, he's a tool too. Why do these people have jobs on the air.

Sincerely,
Janelle USA

Vern on Hilary Swank

So my dad Verno is obsessed with The Next Karate Kid. I have no idea why. Everytime it comes onto the TV he stops immediately in his tracks and starts to watch it.  Well, recently he sat down at dinner and we were having a peaceful meal and in the depths on silence he just blurts out, "You know, that Hilary Swank is kinda homely, but that's what makes her beautiful." My mom, sister and I just looked at him.  So I was like, so you think she's pretty and he said not all that much, there's just something about that one. Well, I informed him that she has two best actress Academy Awards and he said he knew that she one an award for Million Dollar Baby, followed by saying she kinda looked like hell in it.  "But she's a little fighter," he said. Ah, my dad's crush. I asked him if he had seen Boys Don't Cry and he said no and I further encouraged him not to see it for it would ruin his ever so perfect image of his homely beauty in her award winning role as a man (he can't handle such changes, he's an old timer stuck in his ways unfortunately. But here's our family hat off to Hilary Swank and he awesome karate kick style. Watch out for the fan mail Hilary, it's coming from Verno!

Every King Needs His Throne

Every man needs his own throne, a place to think special thoughts.  Vern has always been the outdoorsy type.  Here he is sporting his classic green robe, his pipe (like he'd not have that), and his very own special Vernon hat.  Take this time to reflect and ponder where you have your best thoughts. Ahhhh. Relax.

Something Smells Funny

So as we all know dogs sniff butt to say hello. My mom says that our dogs Ellie and Tinkie sniff each other's butts to see who has been getting more treats. This story takes place on a nice quiet Sunday.  I was leaning over, perched down to sort through the newspaper ads and Ellie came up to take a sniff of my butt.  Well, I was a bit shocked and surprised. I was wondering what my butt had to say. Was it of the "howdy" variety? Naturally my defenses were up, so I did the next logically thing. I farted on my dog's head. I fell over laughing hysterically and Ellie continued to look for my butt for now there was a new smell she was fascinated with. My mother started laughing and then said how "uncouth" I was. Whatever. Too funny.

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a special holiday in my family.  My mom and I wake up at 5:30 AM and get the turkey started.  It's amazing! I love turkey. I once almost hit a turkey on my way to my friend Jill's house.  It was scary. The damn thing flew in front of the car and I swear it scowled at us as we were driving through the back roads of southern Illinois. Our bird today is decidedly dead.  That's good because I plan on eating the hell out of it.  Look at me and my sister eyeballing the turkey. It's insatiable. Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)

Vern learns Sanskrit

So I wake up and go upstairs to get some coffee. A perfectly fine Friday morning. The sun is all a shine and the dogs have both gone to bathroom outside. Success! Then I discover something awesome. My dad has officially shown me that he has learned Sanskrit and he wanted to show me his new wonderful talent with a special message for this morning's activities.

The Godfather as Reinacted by Our Fish Tank

"I'm gonna' make him an offer he can't refuse," said the scum sucking Plecostomus Kirby.  He was talking to the smaller Plecostomus Hoover.  They both suck, algae that is. But this time they were out for blood.
The goldfish had no idea what was coming, but it was something scarier than a horses head in the mattress.  "Take it to the mattresses," Kirby and Hoover said.  They were pissed.  The goldfish were taking all the glory of the fish tank and the scum suckers couldn't stand it.  Maybe the goldfish were overfed. Likely story.  I believe a full on war broke out in the fish tank and the dirty duo took out all six goldfish like spitting out watermelon seeds.  The deed was done.  And now they had to go to their porcelain God to meet their maker.  That was the end. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeldwfOwuL8

 

Papa and Pedicures

Today my dad came to me and asked me about nail polish.  I looked at him quizzically and asked the simple question, "Why?" He replied, "Well, I got this split toenail you see and I need something to bind it together.  Will nail polish work?"  I started to laugh and said, "I don't know, but I guess it can't hurt." I have been waiting for something like this situation for awhile.  Something funny to write about and right dab in front of me was such a situation.  So I did what any good, loving daughter might do and I gave my dad a pedicure with some nice pink polish from Essie.  He requested a "natural" color and most of mine were of the "Dark, I Hate the World" variety so pink it was going to be.  I wanted to paint all his nails so they would match and he said no.  So now my dad has one pink big toenail.

This blog is dedicated to Jill and her father, may he rest in peace.

Steve Perry does it again

Just a small town bug, livin' in a buzzin' world
He took the midnight train goin' in the pool
Just a lizard boy, born and raised in Petsmart
He took the midnight train goin' round his cage

An idiot in a dark ass room
A smell of beer and chlorine perfume
For a smile we can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/journey/dont+stop+believin_20075670.html ]
(Chorus)
Strangers waiting, up and down the cage, ooh
Their shadows searching in the night
Heat lamps, people, living just to find a snack
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

He’s working hard just to get his fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to ribbit the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

(Chorus)

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Heat lamps, people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Heat lamps people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Heat lamps people

Click here to see the amazing footage of Steve Perry eating a cicada

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFpZtB8RKcU&feature=plcp

UFO sighting? or was it the beer?

So me and Verno are hanging out about midnight on the patio talking some deep conversation when all of a sudden he gets all excited and points to the sky. "Look! Look!" "There's a bright light beyond the trees that isn't moving, do you see it?" Mind you we have had a couple beers at this point. I get up and I see the light and say, "Um, yeah, so?" Then Vern says, "It's not an airplane, it's just there." So I say, "Dad, your a damn pilot, can't you tell when an airplane is coming straight at you. It's not a UFO." He looks at me stumped and then looks back at the sky confused. The light still hasn't moved, but I'm having the doubts on this UFO funny business.  Then it does move and flies over our house. It's a f*cking plane and I say well aren't we a couple of fucktards.  My dad looks disappointed like he missed out on a great discovery. He resumes drinking his beer and smoking his pipe. The end.

Brownie Points

So I decided it would be funny to ding dong ditch my mom with a brownie filled diaper.  Here is the diaper

Here's the video for you to enjoy below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3GUbUC1Ya4&list=HL1342744454&feature=mh_lolz

Three Amigos

So I am of German and Irish decent.  However, nobody will find anything of that nature in our house.  I mean my parent's house.  Yes, I still live with my parents.  I'm so lame that I watch cat pooping videos on my blog; though it was hilarious.  Maybe someday I'll crack that career ladder and make $30,000 a year counseling today's young criminals. Oh dreams.  Back to reality.  So I live in what you might call a shrine to Mexico.  Mind you we are not Mexican Americans, which is fine, but my dad is obsessed ever since he saw a picture of his idol Chet Atkins posing as a troubadour in one of his album covers.  Here's a little video treat of some of the most influential men that reared me as a child.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WlA3LzbeSo&list=HL1342634363&feature=mh_lolz

Poor Puddy Cats Go Viral

I think that the Mayans may be right about the end of the world.  I recently discovered that there is a Internet Cat Video Film Festival being hosted in Open Field Minneapolis on August 30th. http://www.walkerart.org/openfield/event/internet-cat-video-film-festival/ For those of you with cats, I apologize if you peek at cat videos on Youtube from time to time, but that simply means you need to update your cable package and get some HBO or something.  Kittens playing the piano.......the joys of the Internet.  I found one particular test subject on Youtube that's a little more FunnyHaHa and Funny Strange. Check it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugjsz6GnVqA

Magical and Mysterious

I want to thank my mom for participating in today's blog.  Check out this wonderful video about nature and miracles.  I'm sure you will find yourself amazed at the footage.  Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBYKK0j8IqM&feature=plcp

It's Greek To Me

So the other night I woke up at like 4:00 AM and I needed to have a ciggy after a bad nightmare.  Vern's up.  He wants to chat.  First he shows me his new bug collection that he found by the pool.  He sprayed a dragonfly, a cricket and a locust with some stuff and showed them to me proudly. Nice work dad.  Then the thing happened.  He grabbed a bottle of Windex and started to wash his hands with it.  I about died laughing. MY BIG FAT GREEK NO NO!!!! I was like, wash your hands you bat shit crazy old man and he said, "This is better.  It rinses you just right."  Oh Vern.  Renaissance Man.

Buns

so my dog is outside enjoying the nice sweet spring sunday when i notice that she won't come in for anything. i can't figure it out. and then i see a bun in her mouth. a brat bun that was freezer burnt and put out for the birds. thanks dad. so i look at the fence where she had been sniffing and it is totally lined with buns. buns everywhere. ellie is happy right now because she is full of a buns as she scored one and would not let go of her prized possession.