1999 was the year. I was hanging out with my friends from school and some other boys from Moline High School. They were, shall we say, a bunch of professional assholes whose soul goal in life was to terrorize whomever came into their path with their special brand of humor. So a large group of us is sitting in the basement of a guy's house and someone drops the unholiest of ideas. The Poo Dollar. What do you ask is a poo dollar: It is a dollar bill which someone has smeared poop on one side and left the other clean so that the poopy side can be placed down on the sidewalk for an unsuspecting, greedy stranger to pick up and be horrified.
FYI....the below story is the shit.
Flash into the future. So while living in St. Louis, me, J#2, and J#3 are sitting around the living room sharing stories and good times when I unleash this little gem of a story. Immediately J#3 says "We have to do it!" J#2 is hesitant and says "No." J#3 is persistent and can bring something up until you want to do it just to get her to stop asking. Me, J#1 in this case, decides it must be done for sociological purposes. So the dollar is volunteered, prepared, and placed in a plastic baggy.
First outing: We attempt a Schnuck's parking lot in South County, only to find that people here are not that greedy. Not even by the cart corral. Hmmm. We try Home Depot. Apparently these people are already knee deep in manure and too focused on that to care about our lonely poo dollar.
Transportation and thoughts. Where to go. In a last stitch effort, we decide that certainly someone at the Walgreen's down the street from our apartment on Lindell would be the place for a pickup. Hot damn, we were right about that.
First guy pull up and parks in the handicapped space, not handicapped mind you, sees the poo dollar and reaches for it. He starts walking into the store and realizes that somethings wrong. What could it be? He goes into the store after dropping it smelling his hand and making a stink face. When he comes back out he says something to the poo dollar, as if it had any choice in the matter.
Next contender, also male, drives up to spot near entrance. Poo dollar has been placed poo down to conceal. He goes for it and picks it up to fling it in his car. He has this look of "I just scored a free dollar. Hells Yeah!" Then his face turns. The man realizes that there is something smelly going on. A face of disgust. He reaches into his car and throws it back on the ground and starts to stomp on it, as if to punish it. Meanwhile, back at the post in the car, we three are dying laughing. I mean, tears, difficulty breathing, and us trying to hide and look inconspicuous so as to not get caught.
Okay. So the last "taking" is the whole enchilada. A garbage truck pull into Walgreen's. A large man, kinda dirty, presumably smelly, jumps out and walks towards the entrance. He parks behind us. The man sees the dollar and jackpot, he picks it up. He too has that look of esctasy that can only come from two things, and this one is free money. (This is where things get tricky because we can no longer control our laughter at this point and I'm about to pee my pants.) The man realizes that he has been poo dollared and he looks pissed, and then he looks around the parking lot, see us, and starts walking to his truck. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. J#2 puts the car in gear and jets out. The guy is chasing us in his garbage truck. We are screaming and laughing and in tears at this point. J#2 is weaving in and out through the one ways in our neighborhood trying to lose him. J#3 looks like she is going to pass out from laughing and from excitement. We make it home safely finally, no garbage truck man in sight. Possibly one of the most, if not most, funniest things I have ever been a part of.
Visual aide: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyqWq67kIBY
Seriously, I don't care who you are, if you judge. If you would have been there, you would have needed your inhaler. Cheers!
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