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So my dad Verno is obsessed with The Next Karate Kid. I have no idea why. Everytime it comes onto the TV he stops immediately in his tracks and starts to watch it. Well, recently he sat down at dinner and we were having a peaceful meal and in the depths on silence he just blurts out, "You know, that Hilary Swank is kinda homely, but that's what makes her beautiful." My mom, sister and I just looked at him. So I was like, so you think she's pretty and he said not all that much, there's just something about that one. Well, I informed him that she has two best actress Academy Awards and he said he knew that she one an award for Million Dollar Baby, followed by saying she kinda looked like hell in it. "But she's a little fighter," he said. Ah, my dad's crush. I asked him if he had seen Boys Don't Cry and he said no and I further encouraged him not to see it for it would ruin his ever so perfect image of his homely beauty in her award winning role as a man (he can't handle such changes, he's an old timer stuck in his ways unfortunately. But here's our family hat off to Hilary Swank and he awesome karate kick style. Watch out for the fan mail Hilary, it's coming from Verno!
Every man needs his own throne, a place to think special thoughts. Vern has always been the outdoorsy type. Here he is sporting his classic green robe, his pipe (like he'd not have that), and his very own special Vernon hat. Take this time to reflect and ponder where you have your best thoughts. Ahhhh. Relax.
So as we all know dogs sniff butt to say hello. My mom says that our dogs Ellie and Tinkie sniff each other's butts to see who has been getting more treats. This story takes place on a nice quiet Sunday. I was leaning over, perched down to sort through the newspaper ads and Ellie came up to take a sniff of my butt. Well, I was a bit shocked and surprised. I was wondering what my butt had to say. Was it of the "howdy" variety? Naturally my defenses were up, so I did the next logically thing. I farted on my dog's head. I fell over laughing hysterically and Ellie continued to look for my butt for now there was a new smell she was fascinated with. My mother started laughing and then said how "uncouth" I was. Whatever. Too funny.
Thanksgiving is a special holiday in my family. My mom and I wake up at 5:30 AM and get the turkey started. It's amazing! I love turkey. I once almost hit a turkey on my way to my friend Jill's house. It was scary. The damn thing flew in front of the car and I swear it scowled at us as we were driving through the back roads of southern Illinois. Our bird today is decidedly dead. That's good because I plan on eating the hell out of it. Look at me and my sister eyeballing the turkey. It's insatiable. Happy Thanksgiving everyone :)
So I wake up and go upstairs to get some coffee. A perfectly fine Friday morning. The sun is all a shine and the dogs have both gone to bathroom outside. Success! Then I discover something awesome. My dad has officially shown me that he has learned Sanskrit and he wanted to show me his new wonderful talent with a special message for this morning's activities.
"I'm gonna' make him an offer he can't refuse," said the scum sucking Plecostomus Kirby. He was talking to the smaller Plecostomus Hoover. They both suck, algae that is. But this time they were out for blood.
The goldfish had no idea what was coming, but it was something scarier than a horses head in the mattress. "Take it to the mattresses," Kirby and Hoover said. They were pissed. The goldfish were taking all the glory of the fish tank and the scum suckers couldn't stand it. Maybe the goldfish were overfed. Likely story. I believe a full on war broke out in the fish tank and the dirty duo took out all six goldfish like spitting out watermelon seeds. The deed was done. And now they had to go to their porcelain God to meet their maker. That was the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeldwfOwuL8
Today my dad came to me and asked me about nail polish. I looked at him quizzically and asked the simple question, "Why?" He replied, "Well, I got this split toenail you see and I need something to bind it together. Will nail polish work?" I started to laugh and said, "I don't know, but I guess it can't hurt." I have been waiting for something like this situation for awhile. Something funny to write about and right dab in front of me was such a situation. So I did what any good, loving daughter might do and I gave my dad a pedicure with some nice pink polish from Essie. He requested a "natural" color and most of mine were of the "Dark, I Hate the World" variety so pink it was going to be. I wanted to paint all his nails so they would match and he said no. So now my dad has one pink big toenail.
This blog is dedicated to Jill and her father, may he rest in peace.
