Happy Halloween or This Spud's For You!

                                   

HEADLINE: Couch Po-Take-This Gets Laid......

Welcome to Halloween and my roller derby costume. Oh yeah. Skates, tights, ripped, potatoes, and Baked Lays. Grrrrrr. Don't piss off this roller girl. She's about to give it to you spuds and all. Thank goodness for the chips.

you want some of this?

COUCH PO-TAKE-THIS

this spuds for you!

Deconstruction of the Nametag or Ode to Brad

So I went to the grocery store the other day and it was the usually friendly smile in every aisle. Well, I go to check out and there is this kid wearing a name tag made of toilet paper... Love it.

Three hypothesis:
1. Deconstruction of name tag. He is trying to tear down the very foundation of the grocery store he works for by not claiming it overtly and therefore creating a new name tag out of trash.

2. He believes his job is shit and therefore has built his name tag to represent appropriately.

3. He left it at home.

Sadly, he was not damning the man and he said, "I left it at home." Another employee, older, didn't seem to understand my project and thought I was secret corporate and going to send in the evidence. The kid, Brad, smiled, but appeared confused about the whole blog situation and therefore oblivious to the awesomeness that was about to occur. I didn't use his face to protect his cherished identity and so he could stay in bucks to keep buying beer from his 21 year old neighbor or whatever kids buy these days.....silly bands....so dumb. Is it a dinosaur or an ice cream cone? We won't know till you take it off. Mystery.

thanks Brad H. Your'e Employee of the Month on FunnyHaHa

The Thrilla from Wasilla. See, 2012 won't be so bad afterall

In the week up until the elections on November 2nd, I could do a blog post on all my favorite candidates, the nut jobs (which there are so many in this race it's like a bag of bridge mix), and all the like, but I focus to the future.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Thrilla' from Wasilla himself Levi Johnston has announced his 2012 candidacy for Wasilla, Alaska's Mayor. That's one hot seat if you ask me. Not determined to be republican or democrat yet, his platform looks to be that Fridays should be casual jean day (wink* to the name Levi), he outed former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah  Palin for leaving her seated position as Governor of Alaska for money, announced Trojan condoms are now his favorite on Bill Maher, and he's for getting that beer and a girl for every hard working man. So lets hear it for our boy. He's dropped his drawers for us, so lets drop a minute for this fine candidate.

   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsuKwRFZhRs

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/10/levi-johnston-mayor-campa_n_677569.html

Jammin It Till It's Whipped

Went to see the Quad City Rollers last night and just like Bliss in Whip It, I fell for it head over skates. More blood would have been nice, but when we started really not winning, Pink Taco went into the penalty box like she was checking off bitches left and right. Special shout out to Sugar and Slice....so Nice. Des Moines brought it, but we didn't go down without a fight. I don't have the time to dedicate to the cause, but I fully support this awesome wave of hell on wheels, but soon you will see a sneaker peak of my inner workings. Until then, enjoy the videos and blood bath that is awesome women raging on the skates.

Oh yeah, when some guy said, "Hey big girl. Blondie, I like your ass" after the game, I wanted to tear him a new asshole by first rip his soul via cruel rhetoric and then shove a pair of skates up his ass. May need some diversity training on not kicking stupid white trash to cope with my anger management!

 http://www.facebook.com/pages/QUAD-CITY-ROLLERS/166384745738

Here are some of the players in my corner.

We got Karen "What up" and "C to the B" Caciona

and the "Fabulous and Never Underrated" MKaT with can I get a "HooRaW" for Mini Me.

http://www.foxsearchlight.com/whipit/    GREAT F*CKING SOUNDTRACK. FOR ALL THOSE WHO WANT TO RAGE ON!

What is your Peanut’s Personality?

As an individual interested in psychological studies and a huge fan of the Peanuts comic, I have decided to waste an extraordinary amount of time creating a Myers-Briggs personality test to fit the Peanut’s characters. Why do this? Cause I’m a stupid blogger with a passion for the weird and bizarre. Okay, and also I was told that I am an ENFP, which is what Snoopy is according to one test that I filled out and also found out that I am just like Sandra Bullock and Will Rogers minus the fame. But hey, I am a philanthropic nitwit that is trying to save whales and advocate for the mentally ill and others marginalized individuals, so I guess I got that right.



So what is this Myers-Briggs test? Is it bullshit? No. People use personality testing all the time and I am Snoopy, so therefore intellectually superior and feel that I must share my knowledge with my small blogging world. Plus it was a good way to kill time during a break. Thank you procrastination for being my friend for so many years.

http://www.knowyourtype.com/16_types.html


If you don’t know who the Peanuts are then you are just NUTS.

So it goes like this


Attitudes – Extrovert or Introvert


Functions – Sensing or Intuitive & Thinking or Feeling


Lifestyle – Judgment or Perception


For more details, take this test at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp super easy click buttons questions to get insight into your personality. Then, see which Peanuts character you have been assigned!


Snoopy - (the Regal Beagle himself, outgoing, smartass, but sweet too. Charlie’s dog) – ENFP


Charlie - (Charlie Brown! Sweet, pessimistic at times, but also hopeful, loves the little red headed girl) – ISTP


Lucy - (Black hair, tells it like it is, smart, Linus’ older sister, has a crush on Schroder) – ESTJ


Linus - (Carries a safety blanket around all the time, sweet, superstitious, naïve, not ready to play date Sally) – ENFJ

 Schroeder - (Intellectual, somewhat shy and often shuns Lucy’s flirtatious attempts, musical prodigy) – ISFP


Franklin - (somewhat shy, but very friendly, likes baseball, likes to have fun at parties and befriends all the Peanut’s gang) – INFP


Peppermint Patty - (Class clown, silly, not very academic and likes to goof around with Charlie Brown calling him Chuck) – ENTJ


Marcy – (Shy, Peppermint Patty’s best friend and confident/slave, likes to point out reality to Peppermint Patty when she acts weird) - ISTP


Sally – (Talkative, sweet, has a crush on Linus, Charlie Brown’s little sister, naïve, but questions reality sometimes and gets upset when fooled AKA the Great Pumpkin) - ESTP


Woodstock – (Quiet, Snoopy’s pal, hangs around gang and watches and makes intuitive insights into their world in a silent way, but remains thoughtful and smart about it) - INFP

It's Time for the Percolator

click on the youtube.com bar on right for music and click on it's time 4 da percolator. hit full screen on my video and enjoy with excellent sound!

Some Link Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idfdOpL1BQU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M44aDG1bK70&feature=related

Take me to McD's for a "Carry Out"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAgoOnsOYtE

 

Take my order cause your body like a
carry out

Let me walk into your body till it’s

lights out

Turn me on, my baby don't you

cut me out

Turn me on, my baby don't you

cut me out

The Survey Version REMIX

----------------------------------

Number one, I take two number three’s

That’s a whole lot of you and a side of me.

"Yes it is. Damn you must be hungry."

Now is it full of myself to want you full of me?

"Hello Mr. Gut."

And if there’s room for dessert then I want a piece. '

'I do enjoy dollar menu apple pie."

Baby get my order right, no errors.

“Was that a number one, and two number threes sir?”

Imma touch you in all the right areas –

“Pin number please sir”

I could feed you, you could feed me –

“I guess I could spare a fry?”

Girl, deliver that to me, come see me –

“I’m sorry, but we have a delivery fee of $10.00.
McDonald’s is mostly a drive through type place.”


What’s your name? “Janelle”

What’s your number? “# 2: Two cheeseburgers and a Diet Coke”

I’m glad I came

Can you take my order? “Yes. One moment please.”

Lament for Our Latrine

And so gone are the days that the 17 foot flood waters have retreated in our mighty Mississippi River and our Hi-Nee Hut at my workplace must now be boding us farewell. We will miss your smell, unapologetic standing by our railing, and most of all, our privilege to pee outside in near public in the ghetto of Davenport.

Goodbye old friend. Till next flood season!

http://www.bandbdraintechqc.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1&Itemid=8

Comedian Love

A very basic post with links to my favorite comedians speaking about the simple things in life. These are the places I go when I'm down because they put life into perspective, or at least make me belt out laughing.

Some Dave Chappelle: champion


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UayQTu2kH-U ("grape drink ain't the same formula - sugar, water, purple"


Wanda Sykes: hilarious


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU8506LwOaw&feature=related (Metric System problems)


Eddie Izzard: British actor/comedian. Great stuff


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IzDbNFDdP4 (history good times)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6npfjWoBCRM (executive transvestite)



Roseanne: white trash genius


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEdx0-w-Ecs (youl'll want to skip to around minute 4:40 of the clip) can't stop laughing even to this day. Badaboom! Chi Chi!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8P1t6fqE3s ("the gig is up!")


and some Becky love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3BJFhssEgA&feature=related ("maybe the wine had to breathe?")

Sisqo Reinvents Thong Song...Sites Inspiration from Snoop Dogg

(WARNING - the material you are about to read is neither endorsed by myself or Sisqo, though this song could create a new boost and/or genre for him. I just simply relay the thoughts that pop into my crazy little head)

This thing right here

Is lettin' all the shawties know
What guys talk about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

Ooh dat cush so delicious

And ya know me and Snoop could handle it

See ya bubbling that bong like who's is dis

With a look in yo eye getting’ so reddish
Uh


Ya like to smoke at all the hip hop spots
And ya cruise to the booze like connect da dots
Not just drinkin’ cause she likes the pot
Cuz she was livin' la Joey Lawrence WOAH ah!!!!!


She had Thai Sticks so stuck, stuck, stuck
Nuggets like what what, what
Pipe hydro, said sup’ sup’
Uh


I think to sing it again

She had Thai Sticks so stuck, stuck, stuck

Nuggets like what, what, what
Pipe hydro, said, sup’ sup’
All night long
Let me see that BONG



I like it when the bong goes smokey smoke smoke
Smokey make your throat go chokey choke choke
Girl I know you wanna smoke your dope dope dope dope
That bong! Thatbong bong bong bong bong!
I like it when the bong goes smokey smoke smoke
Smokey make your throat go chokey choke choke
Girl I know you wanna smoke your dope dope dope dope
That bong! That bong bong bong bong bong!

Congrats

To those who figured out that snacks is not a pallendrome. To the rest of you, you fail your funnyhahanotfunnystrange SAT question for the month. Try again next time.

New Tattoo Idea

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun, Double the Cheesburgers, Double the Chins, Yum Yum

So I am a sick of all these Facebook pictures of me with my double chin. And I blame McDonald's and their Double Cheeseburgers for my double chin. This tattoo is going to really put me on the mark.

COMING SOON: A Carry Out Scene That Will Blow Your Mind!!!!!! Hint..... "It's a whole lot of you and a side of me"

Self Help Group

Facilitator: "Welcome everyone to tonight's sob fest. Tonight's discussion we'll be talking about dieting."

Garfield: "Who the hell are you? Where is the other guy?"

Facilitator: "He quit. Apparently you are all too whiny."

Garfield: "So we are supposed to listen to a gigantic cup of iced tea?"
Facilitator: "My name is Mater Shake, but in light of tonight's subject, you may all call me Diet Shake."

Garfield: "Um, yeah, I have a problem with that."
Facilitator: "Who would like to speak first? Eeyore, is that your foot or something I see?"
Eeyore: "Hi everyone. I'm Eeyore. I guess I have been doing okay. Been eating an all vegetable diet from Rabbit's garden." Eeyore farts loudly.
Linus: "Good grief" Linus wraps his blanket around his face. Garfield belts out laughing.

Garfield: "Pahahahahahaha"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Okay everyone, settle down, especially you Eeyore. You may need to go check that situation out. These chairs are rented and we can't afford any stains or lawsuits." Eeyore looks down and blushes.

Linus: "So Eeyore, any specific recipe or vegetable you recommend for us?" Linus tries to smile through the stench.

Eeyore: "Well, I have been eating some eggplant, but I'm really enjoying pumpkins and the pumpkin pie that Rabbit has made."
Linus: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Not Pumpkins. You do realize what you have done you, you, donkey!"

Eeyore stares over at Linus and shrugs. Garfield belts out laughing again. Another group member rolls into the meeting.

Linus: "You could have been killing the Great Pumpkin Eeyore. The Great Pumpkin! What if he doesn't come! Oh GOOD GRIEF what have you done?"
Garfield: "Hey, I don't mean to cut into the kids meltdown here, but there is some meatball in the chair over there smoking."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Everyone, this is Meatwad. Meatwad, why are you smoking?"

Meatwad: "You told me it made me look bad ass. Where's the coffee? Ain't there coffee at these AA meetings? I need a fix."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Meatwad, today we are discussing diets. Do you have anything to contribute?"

Meatwad: "Well, as a wad of meat, I'd have to say I'm pro-meat."

Garfield: "Hell yeah, all I need to do is to shove that cigarette up his butt and then he'd be a barbecued meatball. Mmmmm."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Garfield, look at the rule board again. Remember, we don't not make fun of anyone, nor do we make threats to eat them unless they come with sauce. Got it?"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "It looks like we have another member. State your name please."
Max: silence.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Yo, hippity hop. You gotta name or something. Say, where'd you get that beverage? We have no beverages here."
Max: silence
Meatwad: "I want coffee too Shake. Hey you, bunny, where did you get that coffee?"
Garfield: "Hey meatball, shut up. I smell vodka. Hey dingledein, where'd you get the sauce. This meeting is shit."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Now, we don't know he's drunk. Bunny? Bunny with the cup? You looking for AA? It ain't here today. Go back to the bunny patch where you belong kiddo"
Garfield: "Who catered this event? I want a lasagna and I know just the candidate to make it all meaty and good."
Meatwad: "Hey pussy. Don't be putting your threats on me. I slice you like a ninja."
Garfield: "Last time someone called me that, I fucking knocked that dog off the counter top. Why don't you just be an appetizer and shut up so I can eat you!"
Linus: "Can we get back on topic. So the Great Pumpkin may be destroyed forever."
Garfield: "Look, suck on your thumb. Snuggle in your blanket and here's a Valium. Now SHUT UP!"
Linus: "That wasn't very nice."
Eeyore has fallen asleep.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Well I see everyone has given today's topic quite a bit of thought. I suppose all you losers are going to a pizza parlor after this. I just hope you realize that that pizza won't love you back. I know, I have tried."
Everyone gets up and Meatwad rolls over to Master Shake. 
Meatwad: "I thought you said there would be chicks here. All I saw was an ass, some fat pussy who wants to eat me, a whiny boy with some blanket  a drunk underage bunny, and you. How'd you get this gig anyway?"
Master Shake: "I beat up the facilitator in the alley behind the building. Thought there might be free snacks or something. Had I realized it was about dieting, I just would have gone home and ordered some delivery on Frylock's credit card." 

Drum Cirlce Gets Raided, Hippie Wears Suit to Trial

Dear Ludlow,

I'm sorry you got busted for your drum circle at the local tap. Noise violations, shawhatever. Your rhythms made me do the flower girl twirl like I was 18 again. Memories. I'm glad your lawyer let you wear a plaid shirt underneath. Ethan Hawke sends his love by the way. Remember the brownies that cousin Stash made for you the other day? Don't eat them until your hearing is over. Trust me.

Hugs, Kisses, and Sways of the Heart,

~ j

Side Effects and Other Warnings:

You can take the hippie out of the drum circle, but you can't take take the hippie and put him in J. CREW. On a side note, mom is proud that he has yet to put a burn hole in his new urban-hipster "Ludlow Suit"

When You're There, I Sleep Lengthwise

and when you're gone, I sleep diagonal in my bed.



So Ellie Moose is today's today's topic of choice. Many people wonder why a beagle mix of sorts is called "The Moose" and I laugh at the comment. She may be a mid-size dog, but she is one hell-a-of-sack-of-potatoes to mess with in the sack. That sounds gross. Scratch that, replace with, she takes up lots of room. Look at the latitude in which she takes up the couch, courtesy of her grandma with a camera in full Moose mode on the couch.


The Manifest Destiny that is my dog reach from one side of the bed to the other has become a great problem of recent. Serta can fuck themselves because you are never going to get a good night's rest with a husband or dog cramping up your room on the bed and forcing your spine to contort into inhuman like poses to be able to sleep. I could push her over. Ha. So I inevitably try to set up a nice little nest for her to sleep in with a down comforter and a teddy bear pillow and I still, night after night, get a dog paw plunging at me at 2:30 AM right in the spleen.

My only comfort, and a cold comfort at that, is that she will wake me up in the middle of the night needing to go pee on a patch of grass outside because she make the fantastic choice to drink 40 oz. of water before bed. I personally don't enjoy a forty before bed, that's a daytime beverage.


There is no real point to this blog. When it comes down to it, it's about love and snuggling with a loved one under "cubbies" whether it be man or man's best friend. Please disregard any single lady sadness subtext.

Easter Bunny Revealed

You didn't think I was just sitting around not noticing the crazy around me this whole time did you? Just because I was knee deep in tears and beers doesn't mean that the insanity that is my life stops. During this sabbatical, I discovered something magical, something wonderful, something that will put Rock Island on the map!

Vern is in fact the Easter Bunny and I have the proof. I have noticed a "trend" of hiding things for many years now, but my convincing of dad's true identity came recently during the toilet dying experiment this month. WTF? Yes, when your toilets all stop working, rather than call the plumber, you put different color dyes into the water tank and watch the swirling colors appear in the bowl to "test" the amount of water being used. But a different color in every bowl in the house? Sounds like a "test" for Easter egg dye on a mass scale. And no, it's not that smells fresh toilet bowl blue crap. It's sea green, not Clorox blue.

And then....of course, hiding my diet Pepsi, beer, cigs, and whatever he can get his hands on was the overwhelming evidence. Visual evidence speaks louder than words. BTW - that Dr. Pepper is from last Thanksgiving, see the football logo with the 23.....that is one egg that is rotten if you ask me. Or at the very least flat. Every morning I have to go looking for my good morning Diet Pepsi. Here is one in a mother f*cking boot. A boot.

The rest are hidden amongst other things, on top of a china hutch, behind some piece of crap on an abandoned closet, and behind some cobwebs hidden in the basement bar. It's like April everyday here at casa de crazy.

the wait is over.

I'm Back......

yes fans, readers, and virtual hostages, i am back. it has taken a long time for me to find my funny, but after a long and perilous search it has been found. i would like to thank my sponsors leinekugel and jersey shore for supporting me through the tough times. a special nod to snooki, who taught me that when you put down your race on an application, it's o.k to put down tan.

Point Break is the best movie ever made. (Period)

I'd say more than the title of this blog, but that about sums it up. Favorite quotations below to demonstrate the awesome cinematic experience that is Point Break.




Ben Harp: Special agent Utah! This is not some job, flipping burgers at the local drive-in! Yes! - your surf board bothers me! Yes! - your approach to this whole damn case bothers me! And yes! - YOU BOTHER ME! And Pappas! Oh, for the love of Christ. How the hell did I even let you talk me into this whole bone-headed idea to begin with.
Pappas: Harp! We are working under-cover. It takes time. We've produced a few...
Ben Harp: NO! No no no no no no NO! Let me tell you what you've produced... Over the last two weeks, you two have produced exactly squat! SQUAT! During which time the ex-presidents have robbed two more banks. Now for Christ's sake, does either one of you have anything even remotely interesting to tell me?
[brief pause]
Johnny Utah: I caught my first tube today... Sir.

Bodhi: [getting ready for their next robbery] 90 seconds Johnny. That's all I ask for, just 90 seconds of your life Johnny, that's it. This is our tactic, is we strike fear. Once you get them peeing down ther leg, they submit. Also about fear, fear causes hesitation, and hesitation, causes your worst fears to come true.
[hands Johnny a shot gun]
Johnny Utah: I can't do this.
Bodhi: Yes you can, who knows, you might like it.
Johnny Utah: Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!
Bodhi: Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it's master?
Grommet: Fuckin' a!
Nathanial: I love this job.

Ben Harp: You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum, I know. What I don't know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?
Johnny Utah: [quietly] Not so far.