Buns

so my dog is outside enjoying the nice sweet spring sunday when i notice that she won't come in for anything. i can't figure it out. and then i see a bun in her mouth. a brat bun that was freezer burnt and put out for the birds. thanks dad. so i look at the fence where she had been sniffing and it is totally lined with buns. buns everywhere. ellie is happy right now because she is full of a buns as she scored one and would not let go of her prized possession.

combovers and birth certificates, oh my

i think that donald trump should spend less time looking for obama's birth certificate and more time looking for a new hair style. thoughts? i mean, his mom is from kansas so he's cool no matter what trumpy says. what a tard bucket. and what is he going to do if he ran for president, promise to turn the world into a magical version of atlantic city and turn the wars into operation drill baby drill so that he can pool all the oil into a million high rises. i mean, come on. this is the guy who's famous line is more famous than he actually is.

http://www.mediacomtoday.com/video/play/547405/channels/foxnews?sc_cid=watercooler_homepage_celeba

mysterious black panties

black panties on the ground
no finding in lost and found
they did not make a sound
on the butt no longer bound

did they lose themselves to poo
I ask, what should we do?

they are lost forever more
did they come from an overnight score

oh black panties, we will never know

so i found this pair of mysterious black panties (ew word) outside of my workplace in the gutter. many hypotheses were made. funkadelic c came up with the best; that some woman had pooped her pants and threw them outside her window in her car. maybe not the most logical, but beats the random falling out of the purse after a shack up story - though most likely. maybe a laundry mistake. hmmmm.

two words

Charlie Sheen. Do I really need to say more. Just when you think you have drank too much of the tiger blood, he's coming at us with more. If it wasn't so devistantly and socialy unmoral, oh, who am i kidding, this is the best train wreck and anti "I'm so Manic that the DSM-V will have to put their picture of me next to" Bi-Polar Disorder" mixed with a sideline of coke and God only knows what else he's snorting up at El La Sober Lodge that I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. Keep it coming Charlie. I need you like you need, well, a shot of Haldol.

Here's some of his best tweets:

On the title of his future autobiography.







‘The title of my book has finally been delivered thru vast and extensive Lunar channels. "Apocalypse Me" Warlock Latin for WINNING’






On the pain in his heart after one of his live-in girlfriends left him (she returned later).






‘Update: Sober Valley Lodge; Rachel has left the building... We're sad.... Over it... Applications now being accepted!’






On sharing his joy at reaching 1m Twitter followers in just 24 hours.






‘It has all of us within its pages. most Twitter followers EVER, 24 hr period. They should change its title; "The Guinness Book of Us"






On … Warlocks?






This Warlock is in the breach. Poised. T - minus 51 mins. Read my tigerblood dripping lips; you've been warned’






On reaching 2m Twitters before anyone else.






‘Another record shattered. We gobbled the soft target that was 2.0 mil, like a bag of troll-house zombie chow.’






On confirming his earlier statement that revered US founding father Thomas Jefferson was a ‘pussy’.






‘This just in, Thomas Jefferson comes forward to sheepishly admit, "Sheen's right. I am a pussy."






On why only he has tiger blood.






‘The Tigers of the world have issued an apology to Charlie Sheen. In a written statement, "please forgive us all for being such blatant impostors Clearly you, Mr. Sheen, have the only real tiger blood in the known universe.” And yes, they'd been warned.’






On US billionaire entrepenuer Mark Cuban.






‘Cuban, a mad genius, proclaimed every brain cell in this Warlock brain 2 B a weapon of mass destruction. U've been warned; by him.






On media detractors.






‘The trolls are foaming from their toothless holes. rumor mill abundant with evil gossip. mainstream heretics smirking.’






On giving thanks to his followers for entering the Guinness Book of World Records.






‘Thanks to you fabulous and perfect humans, we bludgeoned our way into the 2nd greatest book of all time. "The Guinness book" now complete.’






On his bizarre web video series Sheen’s Korner.






‘Psst, check it, you've been warned. #SheensKorner a violent torpedo of truth. love or hate. Do the math.’






On his recent ‘Earn Yourself’ philosophy.






‘This just in.... another cosmic fastball from the mind of your fav Warlock; Earn Yourself. You already own you. Now go... Earn the power. Earn the Truth. Earn the most important component in this entire dimension. Your Self.’






On the apparent subsequent success of ‘Earn Yourself’.






‘I've been informed me that #Plan Better is rated a major success! thank u all! like my dear friend Gnarls Gnarlington says, #WINNING!’






On ducking out of court with ex Brooke Mueller (Charlie’s tweet actually voided the agreement).






‘Not sure what all the legal noise is about... just verbally reached a deal with B. no court mon. yay....'






On the title of his first web video after being fired from Warner Bros’ Two and a Half Men.






‘"Building the perfect torpedo" or; "How to get fired and still get paid Bazillions." check it.’






On his views of a threesome handbook which was posted by a fan.






'Done! Wrote it in my sleep!’






On ‘the opposition’.






‘..yet the opposition felt it necessary to still harass me with old gibberish.... odd? perhaps. transparent? you betcha!’






On surrendering custody of his twin sons to police last week.






'My sons' are fine... My path is now clear... Defeat is not an option..!’






On whether or not he would follow a fan from Tulsa.






'I invented Tulsa, OK...in my sleep’






On his catchy, one word motto.






‘Face it folks, you just feel better when you say it. #WINNING’


















http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20472603,00.html

Mr. No Social Cues Man

So I went to this bar called Purgatory's Pub for my friend's birthday and the night way going strong. Lots of dancing and laughs. T to the V was dancing her birthday booty off and the other usual suspects, Little S, Hendy, K, and KT ladyT was dancing the night away....and then there was Mr. Green shirt, mid forties who aspired to dance with one of us never minding the awkward anti-social cues. He said hi to me when I walked right by him, no eye contact, like, are are you special. Then he proceeded to try to dance with everyone. Um, hello. These boots were meant for walking, in the other way. Sorry dude. But when four women are dancing and not looking at you, that means they aren't interested. It's a crap deal, but eye contact is a pretty good guess that the ladies are interested and if it ain't there, they are creeped out. Oh the humanity of it all.

                         hot ladies in action

Oh Mike...Get a Grip

Former Governor of Arkansas needs  to chime down a bit. Our newly crowned Oscar princess was just recently "slammed" by Mike Huckabee, possible presidential contender for the Republican party for 2012, for glamorizing her pregnancy out of wedlock. Um, hello. Do you work for People.com or MSN Wonderwall? No, you don't. None of your business. I know he has his talk show and he is this ultra conservative republican that can't stand unmoral behavior, but who is he to judge. He wasn't there when Reese Witherspoon won her Oscar for Best Actress award stating that she too became preggo with now daughter Ava who she had with then fiancee and eventual husband Ryan Phillipe (sorry they went south, much like her southern roots). Why does Republican have to mean judging the average people? I don't see him ever chiming in when someone from his party is tapping his toe in the airport bathroom stall or, God forbid, someone deem they have a family problem because daddy is by day an ultra conservative gay basher, but he is really secretly gay and dating a male prostitute. Those aren't my family problems, nor most Americans. Most Americans are normal and sometimes people women get pregnant. It happens. Deal. And he doesn't even mention that she is pregnant with her fiance's child. Oh no. The ring is coming too late. Get over it. She looked beautiful and a child is always a blessing.

http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2011/03/04/mike-huckabee-slams-natalie-portman-over-pregnancy

I LV KENO

So I'm on my way to school this morning very Breakfast Club style all Saturday morning and ick. I live by Jumer's damn casino and it has this light that prefers drivers going towards the casino and I hit it everytime I drive by. Everytime. God forbid grandma and grandpa skip their slots. So today at 8:43 AM I see this nice Lincoln driving slower than molasses and then I see the license plate. LV KENO. Look, I am a fan of the "it's five o'clock somewhere" scenario, but come on. This guy and his wife are totally suckling the teet of the gambling empire. Obviously this guy has skills as his car was better than mine or he got his pension before those became obsolete. And then there is the question of what the hell is Keno anyway? I know it's some kind of lame gambling game that is sort of like bingo, but with shiny buttons or lights. Dunno. So Mr. Keno, this blog's for you and your addiction.

doppelgänger advertising bust

so I'm unemployed which is code for i watch too much t.v. now. but i have noticed something strange and weird. all the cell phone companies have this weird little dancing dude in their ads and I'm appalled at their lack of creativity. lets show some evidence.

but the droid and all these other phone have this same little dude dancing on the cell phone all exited and it's not just sprint. i don't "like it like that" i like creativity and i really don't like cell phone ads for smart phones, but come on people. if you don't believe me, just watch the ads yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CshYg0Tc-7k&feature=related

funny strange.....USS Enterprise

Um. Yeah. So I'm all about humor. If a naval officer wants to make some funny videos for the people on his ship, fine. Do they have to include anti-gay slurs, hell no. Hello, didn't Don't Ask, Don't Tell get repealed. Beam me up Scotty, cause this dude, Capt. Owen Honors, the commanding officer of this ship needs to get his skills up to par and stop with the anti-gay sentiment. He could have some skills, but he's a damn jerk. But on a lighter note, he does exemplify his need to, oh I don't know the correct naval slang, Singapore Sling himself on a regular basis to pass the time and his does use Starship's awesome tune "We Built This City". I don't know whether to be offended or to kick him in the nads. And by the way, who named this ship? Some Trekie?

http://www.mediaite.com/online/navy-owen-honors-homophobic-videos-for-ship-wide-entertainment/