New Tattoo Idea

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun, Double the Cheesburgers, Double the Chins, Yum Yum

So I am a sick of all these Facebook pictures of me with my double chin. And I blame McDonald's and their Double Cheeseburgers for my double chin. This tattoo is going to really put me on the mark.

COMING SOON: A Carry Out Scene That Will Blow Your Mind!!!!!! Hint..... "It's a whole lot of you and a side of me"

Self Help Group

Facilitator: "Welcome everyone to tonight's sob fest. Tonight's discussion we'll be talking about dieting."

Garfield: "Who the hell are you? Where is the other guy?"

Facilitator: "He quit. Apparently you are all too whiny."

Garfield: "So we are supposed to listen to a gigantic cup of iced tea?"
Facilitator: "My name is Mater Shake, but in light of tonight's subject, you may all call me Diet Shake."

Garfield: "Um, yeah, I have a problem with that."
Facilitator: "Who would like to speak first? Eeyore, is that your foot or something I see?"
Eeyore: "Hi everyone. I'm Eeyore. I guess I have been doing okay. Been eating an all vegetable diet from Rabbit's garden." Eeyore farts loudly.
Linus: "Good grief" Linus wraps his blanket around his face. Garfield belts out laughing.

Garfield: "Pahahahahahaha"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Okay everyone, settle down, especially you Eeyore. You may need to go check that situation out. These chairs are rented and we can't afford any stains or lawsuits." Eeyore looks down and blushes.

Linus: "So Eeyore, any specific recipe or vegetable you recommend for us?" Linus tries to smile through the stench.

Eeyore: "Well, I have been eating some eggplant, but I'm really enjoying pumpkins and the pumpkin pie that Rabbit has made."
Linus: "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Not Pumpkins. You do realize what you have done you, you, donkey!"

Eeyore stares over at Linus and shrugs. Garfield belts out laughing again. Another group member rolls into the meeting.

Linus: "You could have been killing the Great Pumpkin Eeyore. The Great Pumpkin! What if he doesn't come! Oh GOOD GRIEF what have you done?"
Garfield: "Hey, I don't mean to cut into the kids meltdown here, but there is some meatball in the chair over there smoking."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Everyone, this is Meatwad. Meatwad, why are you smoking?"

Meatwad: "You told me it made me look bad ass. Where's the coffee? Ain't there coffee at these AA meetings? I need a fix."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Meatwad, today we are discussing diets. Do you have anything to contribute?"

Meatwad: "Well, as a wad of meat, I'd have to say I'm pro-meat."

Garfield: "Hell yeah, all I need to do is to shove that cigarette up his butt and then he'd be a barbecued meatball. Mmmmm."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Garfield, look at the rule board again. Remember, we don't not make fun of anyone, nor do we make threats to eat them unless they come with sauce. Got it?"

Facilitator/Diet Shake: "It looks like we have another member. State your name please."
Max: silence.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Yo, hippity hop. You gotta name or something. Say, where'd you get that beverage? We have no beverages here."
Max: silence
Meatwad: "I want coffee too Shake. Hey you, bunny, where did you get that coffee?"
Garfield: "Hey meatball, shut up. I smell vodka. Hey dingledein, where'd you get the sauce. This meeting is shit."
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Now, we don't know he's drunk. Bunny? Bunny with the cup? You looking for AA? It ain't here today. Go back to the bunny patch where you belong kiddo"
Garfield: "Who catered this event? I want a lasagna and I know just the candidate to make it all meaty and good."
Meatwad: "Hey pussy. Don't be putting your threats on me. I slice you like a ninja."
Garfield: "Last time someone called me that, I fucking knocked that dog off the counter top. Why don't you just be an appetizer and shut up so I can eat you!"
Linus: "Can we get back on topic. So the Great Pumpkin may be destroyed forever."
Garfield: "Look, suck on your thumb. Snuggle in your blanket and here's a Valium. Now SHUT UP!"
Linus: "That wasn't very nice."
Eeyore has fallen asleep.
Facilitator/Diet Shake: "Well I see everyone has given today's topic quite a bit of thought. I suppose all you losers are going to a pizza parlor after this. I just hope you realize that that pizza won't love you back. I know, I have tried."
Everyone gets up and Meatwad rolls over to Master Shake. 
Meatwad: "I thought you said there would be chicks here. All I saw was an ass, some fat pussy who wants to eat me, a whiny boy with some blanket  a drunk underage bunny, and you. How'd you get this gig anyway?"
Master Shake: "I beat up the facilitator in the alley behind the building. Thought there might be free snacks or something. Had I realized it was about dieting, I just would have gone home and ordered some delivery on Frylock's credit card." 

Drum Cirlce Gets Raided, Hippie Wears Suit to Trial

Dear Ludlow,

I'm sorry you got busted for your drum circle at the local tap. Noise violations, shawhatever. Your rhythms made me do the flower girl twirl like I was 18 again. Memories. I'm glad your lawyer let you wear a plaid shirt underneath. Ethan Hawke sends his love by the way. Remember the brownies that cousin Stash made for you the other day? Don't eat them until your hearing is over. Trust me.

Hugs, Kisses, and Sways of the Heart,

~ j

Side Effects and Other Warnings:

You can take the hippie out of the drum circle, but you can't take take the hippie and put him in J. CREW. On a side note, mom is proud that he has yet to put a burn hole in his new urban-hipster "Ludlow Suit"

When You're There, I Sleep Lengthwise

and when you're gone, I sleep diagonal in my bed.



So Ellie Moose is today's today's topic of choice. Many people wonder why a beagle mix of sorts is called "The Moose" and I laugh at the comment. She may be a mid-size dog, but she is one hell-a-of-sack-of-potatoes to mess with in the sack. That sounds gross. Scratch that, replace with, she takes up lots of room. Look at the latitude in which she takes up the couch, courtesy of her grandma with a camera in full Moose mode on the couch.


The Manifest Destiny that is my dog reach from one side of the bed to the other has become a great problem of recent. Serta can fuck themselves because you are never going to get a good night's rest with a husband or dog cramping up your room on the bed and forcing your spine to contort into inhuman like poses to be able to sleep. I could push her over. Ha. So I inevitably try to set up a nice little nest for her to sleep in with a down comforter and a teddy bear pillow and I still, night after night, get a dog paw plunging at me at 2:30 AM right in the spleen.

My only comfort, and a cold comfort at that, is that she will wake me up in the middle of the night needing to go pee on a patch of grass outside because she make the fantastic choice to drink 40 oz. of water before bed. I personally don't enjoy a forty before bed, that's a daytime beverage.


There is no real point to this blog. When it comes down to it, it's about love and snuggling with a loved one under "cubbies" whether it be man or man's best friend. Please disregard any single lady sadness subtext.

Easter Bunny Revealed

You didn't think I was just sitting around not noticing the crazy around me this whole time did you? Just because I was knee deep in tears and beers doesn't mean that the insanity that is my life stops. During this sabbatical, I discovered something magical, something wonderful, something that will put Rock Island on the map!

Vern is in fact the Easter Bunny and I have the proof. I have noticed a "trend" of hiding things for many years now, but my convincing of dad's true identity came recently during the toilet dying experiment this month. WTF? Yes, when your toilets all stop working, rather than call the plumber, you put different color dyes into the water tank and watch the swirling colors appear in the bowl to "test" the amount of water being used. But a different color in every bowl in the house? Sounds like a "test" for Easter egg dye on a mass scale. And no, it's not that smells fresh toilet bowl blue crap. It's sea green, not Clorox blue.

And then....of course, hiding my diet Pepsi, beer, cigs, and whatever he can get his hands on was the overwhelming evidence. Visual evidence speaks louder than words. BTW - that Dr. Pepper is from last Thanksgiving, see the football logo with the 23.....that is one egg that is rotten if you ask me. Or at the very least flat. Every morning I have to go looking for my good morning Diet Pepsi. Here is one in a mother f*cking boot. A boot.

The rest are hidden amongst other things, on top of a china hutch, behind some piece of crap on an abandoned closet, and behind some cobwebs hidden in the basement bar. It's like April everyday here at casa de crazy.

the wait is over.

I'm Back......

yes fans, readers, and virtual hostages, i am back. it has taken a long time for me to find my funny, but after a long and perilous search it has been found. i would like to thank my sponsors leinekugel and jersey shore for supporting me through the tough times. a special nod to snooki, who taught me that when you put down your race on an application, it's o.k to put down tan.

Point Break is the best movie ever made. (Period)

I'd say more than the title of this blog, but that about sums it up. Favorite quotations below to demonstrate the awesome cinematic experience that is Point Break.




Ben Harp: Special agent Utah! This is not some job, flipping burgers at the local drive-in! Yes! - your surf board bothers me! Yes! - your approach to this whole damn case bothers me! And yes! - YOU BOTHER ME! And Pappas! Oh, for the love of Christ. How the hell did I even let you talk me into this whole bone-headed idea to begin with.
Pappas: Harp! We are working under-cover. It takes time. We've produced a few...
Ben Harp: NO! No no no no no no NO! Let me tell you what you've produced... Over the last two weeks, you two have produced exactly squat! SQUAT! During which time the ex-presidents have robbed two more banks. Now for Christ's sake, does either one of you have anything even remotely interesting to tell me?
[brief pause]
Johnny Utah: I caught my first tube today... Sir.

Bodhi: [getting ready for their next robbery] 90 seconds Johnny. That's all I ask for, just 90 seconds of your life Johnny, that's it. This is our tactic, is we strike fear. Once you get them peeing down ther leg, they submit. Also about fear, fear causes hesitation, and hesitation, causes your worst fears to come true.
[hands Johnny a shot gun]
Johnny Utah: I can't do this.
Bodhi: Yes you can, who knows, you might like it.
Johnny Utah: Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!
Bodhi: Yeah, I know man. Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it's master?
Grommet: Fuckin' a!
Nathanial: I love this job.

Ben Harp: You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum, I know. What I don't know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?
Johnny Utah: [quietly] Not so far.