The Daily Show

So my dog Ellie decided to escape yesterday out of the yard. She mosied down the hill and eventually crossed the road which she knows is a no no. My mom started to follow her and I went to get bologna to coax her towards us. It didn't work, so I threw the bologna on the ground for some grateful animal to find. Today she tried to do it again, so we had to put the gate up on the deck and Ellie requested a file in a piece of cake. I kept yelling out Shawshank at her, "Shawshank, Shawshank, hahahhahahahahahhahah." She did not look amused.

Also in new news, I have been having gastrointestinal issues. First I had my butt scoped (colonoscopy) then I had an upper gi done, all on top of a sonogram and all they found was some mild irritation. Meanwhile I have farting up a storm and vomiting, yuck. So the point of my story is that I got to go to Oriental Express for General Tso's chicken and my favorite person was there -- a little Chinese boy I lovingly referred to as Little Bob. He sings Happy Birthday in Chinese and runs around the restaurant and is just generally annoying. One day he will probably end up on the menu. Little Bob Fung Woo. Yum yum.

Ambien and Oreos: Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Hyde

So my mom takes Ambien to get some shut eye. She is addicted to oreos. Well as some of you may already know Ambien can cause sleepwalking or the munchies. Every night around 10 PM my mom stumbles out of bed, stomps toward the kitchen in a haze and begins to snack on oreos. It's like clockwork. Mmmmm oreos. She'll just stand there pigging out on them and when you talk to her the next morning the only evidence that proves it is the crumbs, no memory whatsoever. Fascinating.

  before ambien                                                                                            after ambien

 

Top Ten Reasons Why Summer Catch should be your favorite movie.

 

1. Freddie Prinze Jr. is the best actor in the world

2. baseballs

3. Matthew Lillard yet again plays the screwy sidekick

4. It is shorter than Cloud Atlas and has a plot

5. An idiot could understand its plot

6. Jessica Biel swimsuit modeling sequence for the men

7. Plenty of eye candy for the women in nut hugging baseball uniforms

8. Crabsuit mascot

9. It's a summer movie not to be missed

10. Freddie Prinze Jr. movies always have a moral



So I'm taking human sexuality for my masters and my mom asked me if there was a research practicum. I said I'd be doing my own statistics.

John Tesh Vs. Delilah

Okay,
so here is the deal. I can't stand either one of these talk show hosts. John Tesh with his words of wisdom, his "intelligence for your life" mentality. Dear God what next. But then there is Delilah. What a fucktard she is. Somebody calls in all teary eyed and crying and is like Delilah, my left arm is broken, I can't masturbate, will you please play "When You Love Somebody" to help me ease the pain. I mean Ryan Seacrest ain't exactly my cup of tea either, but at least he plays some music hits. Oh what am I saying, he's a tool too. Why do these people have jobs on the air.

Sincerely,
Janelle USA

Vern on Hilary Swank

So my dad Verno is obsessed with The Next Karate Kid. I have no idea why. Everytime it comes onto the TV he stops immediately in his tracks and starts to watch it.  Well, recently he sat down at dinner and we were having a peaceful meal and in the depths on silence he just blurts out, "You know, that Hilary Swank is kinda homely, but that's what makes her beautiful." My mom, sister and I just looked at him.  So I was like, so you think she's pretty and he said not all that much, there's just something about that one. Well, I informed him that she has two best actress Academy Awards and he said he knew that she one an award for Million Dollar Baby, followed by saying she kinda looked like hell in it.  "But she's a little fighter," he said. Ah, my dad's crush. I asked him if he had seen Boys Don't Cry and he said no and I further encouraged him not to see it for it would ruin his ever so perfect image of his homely beauty in her award winning role as a man (he can't handle such changes, he's an old timer stuck in his ways unfortunately. But here's our family hat off to Hilary Swank and he awesome karate kick style. Watch out for the fan mail Hilary, it's coming from Verno!

Every King Needs His Throne

Every man needs his own throne, a place to think special thoughts.  Vern has always been the outdoorsy type.  Here he is sporting his classic green robe, his pipe (like he'd not have that), and his very own special Vernon hat.  Take this time to reflect and ponder where you have your best thoughts. Ahhhh. Relax.